allen-bergman

Nevermind

We walk down the street and he’s telling me about his plans. He’s going to remake Vertigo, where I’m Kim Novak. He spent the night up storyboarding but now he’s worried about being over-budget. At least that’s what he tells me as we walk down Dwight, autumn but still sunny.

He tells me that it’s not a shot for shot remake, but loosely based on th film. I play a has-been Olympian swimmer who’s vacationing in France. Presumably I’m in France for a meet, but also to get some time away from the Bay Area. They’ve invited me to stroke and turn judge. For me, it’s nothing serious, just a diversion. My athletic days are behind me since I’m not a child really, basically, which was all I ever really had going for me then. I get letters for these things occasionally still. I guess I’m still a celebrity to someone.

I write mostly, but my publisher’s a crook, that’s what he tells me, about the character. What’s never clear is if my publisher’s ripping me off or if I’m paranoid or both. That part doesn’t need to be explicit he says.

In France, I’m existentially stuck. Like that Camus novel, I go to the beach at sunset and get tired of my life. It’s my artistic temperament, he says. I’m in a seaside town, but can’t stand it. I’m horrified of the sea and have nightmares about waves swallowing up the house. My character’s afraid of sharks, even though there aren’t any sharks in the Atlantic. He tells me it’s a learned fear, that I’ve always loved artificial pools and chlorine, but could never stand the real thing. The fear, he says, that’s where the Vertigo part comes in.

I point to my head. How can I be Kim Novak with this hair? He tells me that we’re shooting an Asian version, that it’ll be mostly underwater. He plans to have his goldfish co-star. Do you swim? He asks me.

I don’t know if I swim that well, I hesitate.

Isn’t Vertigo about James Stewart’s erotic obsession with that Kim Novak character? Doesn’t she sit in from of a portrait at the Palace of Fine Arts that looks just like her, completely absorbed? Isn’t there that whole part with the double, where James Stewart gets her to dress like the dead girl and then there’s that chase where she jumps off the roof?

Yes, he says. Remember that part where James Stewart is running on the roof? Well, we’ll have the riptide swallow up the good guys. Instead of falling off buildings, it’ll be water and beach. He’ll fall into a pool.

Don’t let anyone know you’re in my movie yet. It’s a secret. You’re such a celebrity Angela. We need a big name for this project.

How can you be over-budget where you’re in pre-production? I say. Plus I’m hardly a celebrity. He says he likes that I’m not pretentious and that I’m easy to work with. He tells me, I’m not over budget yet, I just know what’s going to happen. Look at this phone, all of my money is inside the phone. It’s dead.

Would you want to make your character not married, but her boyfriend can’t see? I think I’m going to call the first part of the story arc Nevermind.  

Sometimes my spam is terribly exciting. To quote:

Supreme Willerson!Im going to do you right now, honey. Your pussy. or your ass.?malfunction suntanned nefarious unreadable harrows denture temblor gerontological dropkick pistol-whip legendary coaxer bray humpbackedthrilling pled velar axially firm hawkish officiousness inscrutably= swishes obsess vertices family purview unblenchedinfighting ineluctable sledgehammer reunifying collusive acronym stranger intermingle punchier webbed tundra refreshingly colored hydrostaticungrammatical shill inpatients healer aerobic regrettable regularizes ephebic optometrists parentheses sacramental devoutness phantasmagoria bailiwickintercepts welded particularize twanging luge bedfellows theorizes function nibbler boondocks hikers prig idealistically beholders

Sometimes my spam is terribly exciting. To quote:

Supreme Willerson!
Im going to do you right now, honey. Your pussy. or your ass.?
malfunction suntanned nefarious unreadable harrows denture temblor gerontological dropkick pistol-whip legendary coaxer bray humpbacked
thrilling pled velar axially firm hawkish officiousness inscrutably= swishes obsess vertices family purview unblenched
infighting ineluctable sledgehammer reunifying collusive acronym stranger intermingle punchier webbed tundra refreshingly colored hydrostatic
ungrammatical shill inpatients healer aerobic regrettable regularizes ephebic optometrists parentheses sacramental devoutness phantasmagoria bailiwick
intercepts welded particularize twanging luge bedfellows theorizes function nibbler boondocks hikers prig idealistically beholders

fuckyeahpolyamory
Polyamory is a way that heterosexual men can “hedge”, or invest, in various women, to the degree that they want to, and benefit from the returns until the investment is no longer worthwhile. There are many things that can make the investment become less worthwhile -when women start to ask for something in return, or demand more emotional, social, or sexual accountability, or transparency, or care activity. The polyamorous hedge then becomes a shield against accountability, and a guarantee that there is other attention to exploit without having to really offer anything back. Should the return gain fail on one relationship, or should you be asked to be accountable for your actions with that woman, or invest more by caring more, you have created other relationships to fall back on and reap gains from. Hedging is utterly objectifying, exploitative, and violent.

Polyamory as a Reserve Army of Care Labor

(via yoursocialconstructsareshowing)

SO RIGHT ON.

I’m kind of ambivalent about the het framing, because guess what we all internalize the patriarchy (even femmes like me), but gawd I love this post and it’s utterly pragmatic realness. All the kink and poly books I read never told it as real and always presented multiple partnerships as some utopian, we’re-so-evolved enlightened liberal woo, and are utterly dismissive of any kind of critiques. 

Be wary of those that use polyamory as a shield for their shittiness, because they’re out there darlings and there are a lot of them.

todf
Living in a city, it’s so easy to experience paranoia and have it manifest in your work - like Tricky, or Mark Stewart. You’re dealing with control systems and if you tackle them in any way, confront them in your work the same way William Burroughs did, it’s such a fine line you can’t walk it. It’ll cut into you. If you deal with those things you will become emeshed in them. If you explore paranoia you will become paranoid. Myself, I’m really trying to get rid of that. Not to say it isn’t happening everywhere all the time. I find it very unhealthy to focus on it these days.
John Balance, to David Keenan, The Wire (via todf)
I received a beautiful anonymous letter in the mail today. <3 Just as I was complaining to Janey that no one ever sent me anything good, at least not as good as the spread babe selfies that his readers send him.
Boy was I wrong. Fave line: I’m masturbating in your face, eyes wide with the terror of death and the inevitable void that lays beyond. <3 <3 <3
Oh mystery letter sender! I know your game and I will win it!

I received a beautiful anonymous letter in the mail today. <3 Just as I was complaining to Janey that no one ever sent me anything good, at least not as good as the spread babe selfies that his readers send him.

Boy was I wrong. Fave line: I’m masturbating in your face, eyes wide with the terror of death and the inevitable void that lays beyond. <3 <3 <3

Oh mystery letter sender! I know your game and I will win it!